curiosity solitude

 

I ask a lot of questions. I think it's a large part of my nature to be curious. I have a large extent of curiosity on a lot of factors. I do not know the source of my curiosity but perhaps if I did then I wouldn't be as curious. Perhaps its a paradox of my personality, if I knew why I wanted to know, then I wouldn't want to know, then if I know why I wouldn't want to know...

Eh, recursive processes. In a sense I have a strange sense of innocence as well. Maybe it's my background (it's pretty unique and strange as far as backstories go but I assure you my own personal backstory is pretty strange and noteworthy) maybe as I've gotten older and gotten into hi-jinks I don't know exactly what I stand on all that. 

I guess it makes it easy to assimilate information pretty quickly, the only problem is my emotional processes are so tied to my intellect. Its hard to separate them and honestly should you? Ideally all aspects of your life are in harmony with one another, maybe your emotional more instinctual impulses guide the intellect, rather than the other way around. Ideally short and long term survival aspects are in harmony and synchronized. 

When I'm dealing with an emotional crisis (which is a lot of the time) I can't just focus on the more intellectual aspects of my life, when I'm not in emotional crisis mode and everything is in sync I can focus and assimilate a ridiculous amount of information very quickly and apply it easily. I get into very intense deep and emotional connections with people and then they either hurt me or I lose them and then I go into a crisis mode again. Maybe this means I should be more alone and solitary, but when I'm alone I'm trapped with my own thoughts and I become incredibly depressed and anxious. I am very extroverted and people oriented, solitude is poison to me, sometimes its good but when I'm around people that I care about and they care about me I think I'm in the best place. 

  

 

 

 

 

I spend a lot of time on the computer, I don't know what my next line of work will be, maybe it would be nice to actually work with my hands. Part time studying new stuff, part time actually building cool shit with electronics and arduino's and other nonsense. Or maybe I should just dive into music and become a full time musician, but where's the money in that? Not enough to live in San Francisco that's for sure. I never want to give up on music, but I want to be making enough money on the side to be able to make the music I want without having to deal with music industry bullshit.