Fear

 The most terrifying part of the unknown is the uncertainty that comes with it. This is also one of the most exciting parts of it, not knowing what is going to happen means there is room for infinite possibility. Infinite possibility for disaster, infinite possibility for success. I'm terrified of becoming stuck and always knowing where my life is headed, I feel a little like this right now, am I pigeonholing myself into a path I hate? Will I look back a decade later and wonder why I didn't dare myself to come outside of my comfort zone and at least try to make my life worth living for myself? I still desire homeostasis for a life that still seems like it lies so far away. 

It's strange how I continue to live in this between state right now and have been for some time. Do we ever come out of the bardo? Every moment is merely the space between the past and the future, never existing as its entirety and not necessarily not existing either. I'm one to take risks, insane gambles in my life so far have almost always turned out badly or without the results I wanted, yet I still take them. Why? Maybe because I'm stupid.

I can imagine the life I want to live, maybe it requires more letting go than I want to admit. Maybe it requires more ambition and motivation, that's the biggest part. Being constantly strongly motivated and pushing myself against the current of how life is pushing me, but I like to think instead that somehow I follow the current of my life and push against at the right times will get me to where I want to be the fastest and easiest. Never fully committing to fully submitting and surrendering to the current but also allowing it sometimes to take me somewhere.

 

What is will, what is love, do we have our true wills in this life to accomplish once we throw off the shackles of our expectations and previous selves and grow into who we truly are and want to be? I don't have time to be afraid anymore and yet I still believe sometimes we do need to listen to fear. Fear is an adapted instinct that tells us to stay away from what might hurt or kill us, fear is sometimes just what keeps you alive and what you need to listen to when there is danger.

 "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 

Fear also keeps us weak, fear also keeps us in cages, fear also prevents us from opening our hearts and truly loving. Is love even real? If love isn't real, then this includes self-love. If self-love and love doesn't actually exist then the only aspect we should adapt to is power. 

 

Adapting our own internal narrative and behavioral instincts to allow us the most amount of personal power, perhaps this is all merely the ego trying to protect itself, but the realities of power in this world are unmistakable. The realities of love are not. I hope I'm wrong. Power without love has nowhere to go. Love without power is impotent and lacking. 

If love is real, its better to have that than power. Living a good life probably involves somewhat of both. Being in a state of personal power acting out of love and compassion for all beings. We must not forget our own place in the world while also allowing for some surrender to the greater machinations of the world. Fear is stronger than love, but if love is real it is more subtle than one might assume. If fear is a raging hurricane then love is a trickling stream. Overtime hurricanes dissipate, but a steady stream will wear down and break even the strongest most densely packed substance eventually. I have never in my life seen love triumph over fear, but maybe this is merely because love doesn't actually exist and fear does. Peoples hearts are so closed, you can almost just see this, most people die never having opened them fully. Perhaps there is a light that exists in our minds, some can see it some cannot, that shines itself and allows for our awareness of existence. When we see the interconnected aspects of ourselves, that we both exist as individuals and as the whole of the universe, I imagine a bead of reflective water, within a net of beads all reflecting themselves off each other. Within each bead contains a reflection of every other bead, but not itself.

Maybe we are all waiting for something that will never come, maybe this is all just poetic nonsense. 

You shouldn't let poets lie to you.